A not-so-fantabulous update

Well, if you are one of my three dedicated readers (thank you readers!) you might be wondering what happened to me since I haven't posted since the summer of LAST year.

Here's a quick run-down.

• At the end of last February my husband and I separated. He moved out and I stayed in the house with Frank and Ollie.
• I rode Dassah in lots of lessons, hunter paces, and a couple shows.
• We (husband and I) spent a lot of time together over the spring and summer. 
• Boated a lot
• Talked a lot
• Rode a lot
• Ran a lot
• Hung out with friends
• Drank wine a lot
• Then we decided it wasn't working. (the marriage, not the wine)
• Rode more
• Talked to friends more
• Ran more
• Made more frequent visits to therapist's 
• Drank more
• In September we decided to divorce
• Bought the bigger box of wine because little ol' brick was not cutting it. 
• Rode some
• Ran more
• Then rode lots more
• Started attending a divorce support group
• In November we listed the house - in 4 days it sold, at asking price. 
• Packed fast
• Started attending church again
• Raged over election
• Drank
• Procrastinated with friends
• Packed more
• Still going to church
• Didn't sleep enough
• Dear sainted friends packed for me
• Threw lots of tantrums
• Watched all the non-romantic Netflix available
• "Celebrated" Thanksgiving by running a 4-miler w/ cousins. Actually was nice. 
• Packed 
• In December we (dog, cat, and myself) moved into an apartment. No more fenced yard or garage. But great neighbors! (one of my best friends)
• Friends helped me move, they are insanely awesome. I cried because they are so awesome. 
• My brother put up my tree bc he's awesome
• "Celebrated" Christmas by buying myself copious amounts of whatever the hell I wanted. Because #housesale
• Cried at Christmas Eve service at church
• Rode
• More friends time
• Still drinking the red wine. Therapist says its ok for now. 
• "Celebrated" New Years by buying myself more cute things and horse things. Because #housesale #retailtherapy
• Cried at New Year's service at church because #new beginnings
• Friends take care of me by inviting me to things. I accept most of the time
• Still riding
• Still not sleeping enough
• Best riding buddy/best friend comes back from vacation. More riding. More jumping!
• Primary care physician looks startled and concerned when I tell her my new drinks-per-week level. Got lesson on how not to drink too much (this, to a 33 year old girl going through a divorce whose previous level was 2 and new level was now 7 drinks a week. Mmmkay, Therapist says ok still. I say it's ok still. Suck it Dr. Eunie)

As of February, when I wrote this draft, I was here:

• Divorce paperwork has begun and I've resorted to alternating thoughts of rage, despair, hope, and despair. Which, isn't a resort actually because I've been feeling them for years. 
• Ride more
• Rage at inauguration of our new president. 
• Pray at church for said president and that wine supply does not run out in next 4 years. 
• Lesson more
• Swear to get more sleep
• Recall the moratorium on romantic Netflix. Get PBS app and watch Grantchester, Poldark, and Victoria. Get Hulu app and watch New Girl, Mindy Project, and Elementary. Start Outlander season 2 on Starz. 
• Ride
• Church
• Lay on floor
• Buy cute stuff for apartment
• Have awesome grid sessions with BRB/BBE (best riding buddy, best buddy ever)
• Feel peaceful
• Feel despair
• Feel pissed at all these emotions
• Sleep more
• Ride more
• Lesson more
• Pour more wine
• Stare wistfully at James Norton (on Grantchester) and day dream of moving to England/Scotland to spend my days wandering around old fields on my horse with my dog tagging along. And romantically meeting a vicar and becoming best friends and lovers. 
• Get hair done and love it. Think better of myself
• Knock myself down (metaphorically)
• Pick myself back up again (metaphorically)
• Church
• Run 
• Realize divorce will probably be finalized around 34th birthday
• Rage at it all. All of it. Everything. 
• Take comfort with friends who care so much. They really are the best. 
• Ride
• Realize I'm going to have to learn how to flirt
• PANIC
• Realize lots of other things are going to be firsts
• PANIC
• More church. Contemplating bringing the wine with me to church in tea mug.
• Rage more at God
• Silently rage at the apartment wall because I can hear my neighbors watching Parks & Recreation. I have nothing against Parks & Rec I just don't like sharing a wall. 

As of 3/24/17:

• We are officially divorced. 
• I'm still alive
• most of the time
• I'm riding and taking lessons
• I'm still despairing
• I'm not riding every day but that's ok. 
• RedMare is still alive and really, she's adorable. She's come so far this past year, I wish I had documented it better. 
• RedMare is still coating her coat in thick and sticky mud. And she still has her winter coat. So that's fun. 
• My friends are still taking care of me so well. I just got back from a vacay in Florida where I tanned, paddleboarded through Mangrove trees, and go-carted (on a legit track).
• I'm much more hopeful and less panicked than I was. "Much more" being relative. 
• I've got a clinic (fingers crossed, I'm on the waitlist) with Jimmy Wofford coming up in June.
• Plans to ride at recognized show at least by the end of the year. fingers crossed.
• Getting ready to buy a dressage saddle but #saddlefittingwoes #saddlefittingistheworst #howmanytracingsdoesonehorseneed?
• I'm divorced
• I'm 34, divorced, and have only ever been in one serious relationship and that just ended. 
• I'm 34, just got a promotion at work, and have many many years ahead of me
• I'm doing this. I'm doing life. I'm getting out of bed and sometimes going through just enough motions to get me back to bed that night. But I'm doing this. More days than not, I'm actually even feeling free. Sometimes I even day dream. But not that often, let's not get carried away .

So there you have it. It's been stressful and overwhelming and yet I've never felt so loved before. By friends, by family, and by God. I've never felt so accepted for who I am.